Richard: If you don't kiss a girl on the first date, you're a gentleman. If you don't kiss her on the second date, you're gay!
Ally (to a stranger who bumped into her): Hey, no don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry, you didn't even look up and see who you bumped into. What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen down and broken a hip. I could be lying on my back in some HMO, my lungs filling up with phlegm till I'm on life support draining my family of every last cent of their inheritance while I, I asphyxiate on my own dried mucous, no don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry.
Ally: We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want.
John Cage: A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and whole milk.
on Santa Claus
Georgia: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?
Ally: They're mine.
Ally: We're women. We have a double standard to live up to.
Whipper: No, I don't think you're nuts, but I don't think that you have both feet on the ground either.
Ally: You mean some people do?
Elaine: I think my testimony swayed them.
Richard: I agree, but we won anyway.
John: Would people PLEASE stop throwing shoes at me?!
Renee: Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy.
Ally: So basically we're screwed up because of...
Ally: That's the thing about me. I make all my clients forget about all their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
Richard: Never trust second thoughts. Next thing you know there'll be a third and a fourth...you'll be thinking forever.
Richard: I couldn't help but overhear, probably because I was eavesdropping.
Elaine: She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie Treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop.
Monica: Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982?
Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they´re exctinct?
Ross: Joey, they are people!
Joey: Hey, I´m not judging!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Joey: Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!
Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
Rachel: Guess what, guess what!
Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they all recommend Trident?
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Chandler: Handle's my middle name. Well, actually, it's the middle part of my first name.
Rachel: Oh honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean he's going to be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
Joey: Look, I kinda had a dream, but I don't want to talk about it.
Chandler: Now what if Martin Luther King had said that? 'Yeah I kinda had a dream. I-I don't want to talk about it.'
Pete Becker: Well, yeah, she asked if she could finish my peanuts and I thought she said something else.
Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, thats right, thats right, it was you!
Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.
Ross: She said you gave her the razor!
King Of The Hill
Bobby: My sloppy joe is all sloppy and no joe!
Hank Hill: Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
Bobby (on Ritalin): There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad.........And there it goes.
Peggy: As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been learning to subtly manipulate relationships.
Mulder:What's the point of this test, Scully?
Scully: No point, I just he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling...is...almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes..it's like a lava lamp.
Lisa: What's inside of you?
Nelson: I dunno. Guts...Black stuff... And about fifty Slim Jims.
Grandpa: I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary.
Marge: Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Grandpa: It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missourah!
Nelson: Hey, Millhouse, I heard your parents are getting divorced.
Millhouse: Aren't you going to point and me and say 'ha ha'?
Nelson: Nah. My dad left my mom when she got hooked on breath mints. In the end, her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore, you know?
Millhouse: So what you're saying is that I'll be ok?
Kierny: You'll be fine. My divorce was tough but we got through it.
Kierny's son: I sleep in a drawer.
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge: Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
Homer: WOO HOO!
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
Homer: Every time I learn something new, a little of the old gets pushed outta my brain, remember that time I took that wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: You were drunk!!!
Homer: And how.
Homer: Mmmm...64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62....
the next morning
Marge: Homer, did you eat all that cheese?!?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Homer: I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer:No beer and T.V. make Homer something something...
Homer:Don't mind if I do!
Apu: Mr. Simpson, get the hell outta my store. Please come again.
too many good simpon quotes so ill stop there
Chris: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty. Try and guess.
Meg: Is it kitty?
Chris: AHHH. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Stewie: "I feel like white trash... mummy I want a mullet!"
Peter: Okay, okay, I have an idea. I'll be Charlie and you could all be my angels. (Turns to look at an ugly woman) Except for you, you be Bosley.
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."
"Brian, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says OOOOO." - Peter
"Peter, those are Cheerios." - Brian
"A woman is not an object" - Lois
"Your mothers' right son, listen to what it says." - Peter
Stewie: "Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."
"My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, won't find that in 'Winnie the Pooh!'" -Stewie reading the Bible
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Stewie: HA... HA... HA... HA...
Eliza: Ewww, your breath smells like kitty litter
Stewie: I was curious!
"I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself." -Stewie
"Honey, I'll be right there." -Lois
"Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!" -Stewie
Stewie: "What the hell is this?"
Lois: "Sweetie, that's tuna salad."
Stewie: "Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food."
Stewie: "Oh, this is just so good it has to be fattening."
Lois: "Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?"
Stewie: "Flappy, good news, I've decided not to kill you."
Stewie: "What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G... oh, that's better than sex!"
Stewie: "Good God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!"
Stewie: I say, if you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln Log jammed in the temple, I didn't do it. But I need that log back to finish my recreation of James Madison's cabin.
Stewie: "I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction."