"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue." -- Various Computers
In Rice Lake, WI is a billboard on the side of a local road advertising for "The Butcher Shop". Right behind the sign...a graveyard.
Driving down the road, I noticed some scribblings on the dirty flatbed truck in front of me. Someone had drawn three arrows, Right, left, and down. The right arrow was pointing at the ditch on the side of the road, and read "El-crasho". The down arrow was pointed at the trucks bumper, and read "El-stopo". The left arrow was pointed at the oncoming lane, and read "el-passo".
I was driving by a pet shop when I noticed a sign saying, 'All birds going cheap.'
We were driving and saw a sign that said, "Loose 30 pounds in 1 month." Under the sign there was another sign that had the McDonalds arch with an arrow pointing to the way to McDonalds.
I was driving by a KFC and on their marquee it said: "Now Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99."
at a residence for developmentally disabled adults called "Opengate."There was a sign on their gate that read: "Gate must remain closed at all times."
As I was going down the Strip in Las Vegas I noticed a sign on a small run-down motel:
"This motel highly recommended by owner."
Rounding the drive-thru at a local fast food place I noticed a sign on the wooden gates around the dumpsters. It read: "OPENS FROM INSIDE"
In the sporting goods department of the Wal-Mart where my aunt works at there is a display with a back to school sign. Under the sign are boxes of rifle shells.
I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair black and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she called me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what color.
My mom's friend is a teacher at a high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."
I had an ex-friend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was.
She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.
Back in elemantry school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair blackish. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."
Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket
I love telling this story because it is about my ex-friend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My friend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side"
During a hot summer day a woman called up the hospital where my dad worked proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught their attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this day.
One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"
My friend once called me at Ruby Tuesdays and asked, "Where are you?"
I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand. (I need to pick smarter friends)
Once while I was walking my 2 Dalmatians in the park (in Grand Island) this guy stopped me to pat the dogs and say how cute they were.This is the exact conversation that followed:
Guy: What cute Dalmatians!
Me: Yep they are aren't they!
Guy: What kind of dog are they? Me:(looking at him funny)DALMATIANS!
Guy: Both of them?
Me: Yeah (and I decided to have some fun with this twit)but do you know you get two types of Dalmatians?
Guy: Really? Me: Yup,ones that are white with black spots and ones that are black with white spots!
Guy: That's amazing.So you actually have one of each kind.
A while ago my brother had a pet gerbil named Superman. Superman escaped and we couldn't find him. A few weeks later I was trying to vacuum my room and there was a weird scratching noise in the hose so I unscrewed the whole thing and out popped Superman as healthy as when we lost him two months earlier. It was weird. (Superman was a little dusty.)
A lady walked in to buy some chicken breast and legs. She was upset to see they were to small and asked a sales person to get her some larger ones and she would be walking about the store. Later the salesman called on the intercom: "The lady wanting bigger breasts and legs please come to the back of the store."
I used to work with elderly people some years ago (in Ogallala) and as you know they tend to lose some memory capacity. On a picnic one day a woman sat and spoke to one of the nurses: "Oh you have such a wonderful skin! With freckles and all! Is it your own?!"
In the newspaper today, I read what has to be one of the stupidest sentences ever published. It read: "A representative of the company, who asked not to be identified, had no comment." OK, what was THAT conversation like? Well, I don't want you to use my REAL name, but in all confidence, I have no comment. Please don't tell anyone that I said it, though!
My friend was filling me in on events that I had missed while I was away from home for over a year. most of it was about our friends getting together or having a baby or breaking up and then it was 'and his friend Lulu died in an accident.' and my stupid comment to that was, "What happened to her then?" Looking surprised at my reaction he said, "I don't know, I hope she went to heaven."
Ever looked all over the house for keys you were holding in your hand the whole time ?
One day, I was reading the newspaper. One of the headlines that I will never forget for that day was this: "Four Year Old Teacher Wanted." That must be a super smart 4-year-old!
My friend has a cousin who had a hamster. When he was four, he saw the hamster chattering. Being the intelligent four year old, he figured his hamster was cold. So the only logical thing was to warm him up, right? This bright kid put his hamster in the microwave. You can probably guess the rest. He said, and I quote, "Mommy!! I think there is a mess in the microwave." Needless to say, never again has he been allowed to have any pets.
In my home town , one day, I saw a strange man holding a gun up to a women, so a real police officer on duty pulled out his gun. The man got really scared. I looked over and saw a camera crew. It turns out that they were shooting a movie in my hometown!
When I was watching television a commercial came on for a dating service and then said the qualifications you had to meet, and one of them was you had to be a male or a female.